Quit Your Whining About Valentine’s Day!February 11, 2009
Listen up, all you straight guys! A gay man is going to tell you what to do about Valentine’s Day. You’ve been complaining for months that your girl, your wife, your significant other just isn’t putting out on a regular basis, and now, the one sure night you could get some loving, you’re going to mess it up by complaining that Hallmark is forcing you to say “I Love You” just so they and the florists can make huge profits. Well, as the song goes, it ain’t necessarily so. Valentine’s Day celebrations took place long before Hallmark ever printed a greeting card.
So, let this romantic fairy tell you what you need to do to keep your woman happy, and score yourself some passionate lovemaking on February 14th. First, stop complaining about how you’re being blackmailed, bribed, coerced, forced to fork out big bucks to let your girl know what she already knows: that you love her. Second, this little celebration doesn’t have to cost you a lot of money. If your woman has any depth (read: not a shallow gold-digger), you can put forth a small amount of effort and reap big rewards.
Here’s my suggestion: DO buy a gift. It can be something small, like a candle, or stuffed animal, or inexpensive jewelry. You might even skip the gift, and buy the $15 flowers at WalMart, if you follow my next suggestion.
Dinner: you can take her to dinner, but that may mean handing over big bucks, and that’s if you’ve remembered to make a reservation. Instead, why not “cook” for her? I know, you can’t cook, but I bet you have a microwave oven and a supermarket nearby. Here’s the plan: create an easy, almost no-cook meal, and serve it to her. Most supermarkets make it almost painless to look like you’ve spent hours in the kitchen. Purchase the following things:
- bag of salad
- small bag of sliced almonds for the salad
- make sure you have salad dressing, something light
- frozen vegetables in a steamer bag
- rice or mashed potatoes in a microwave container
- rotisserie chicken from the deli or Boston Market
- 2 slices of cheesecake from the bakery
That’s the basic meal. If you’ve got some skills you can add more to the salad, dress up the veggies, and add a sauce to the cheesecake. Don’t forget some wine or champagne.
Now, get the table ready. Think about where you will serve the meal. The dining room is nice, but why not try another room? How about setting up a small table, with a tablecloth, in the living room? Even better, set the table in the bedroom. Use your best dishes, add some candles, and be sure to have some music playing. Make sure the music is conducive to getting her in the mood. The best part of having dinner in the bedroom is that you’ve already got her close to the bed! How can she refuse after all this “effort” you’ve made?
Straight men: I have faith in you! You can do it! And she will reward you with a night of passion, I guarantee it!