Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

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Quit Your Whining About Valentine’s Day!

February 11, 2009

valentine-cupid-free-vintage-clip-art-1

 

Listen up, all you straight guys!  A gay man is going to tell you what to do about Valentine’s Day.  You’ve been complaining for months that your girl, your wife, your significant other just isn’t putting out on a regular basis, and now, the one sure night you could get some loving, you’re going to mess it up by complaining that Hallmark is forcing you to say “I Love You” just so they and the florists can make huge profits.  Well, as the song goes, it ain’t necessarily so.  Valentine’s Day celebrations took place long before Hallmark ever printed a greeting card. 

So, let this romantic fairy tell you what you need to do to keep your woman happy, and score yourself some passionate lovemaking on February 14th.   First, stop complaining about how you’re being blackmailed, bribed, coerced, forced to fork out big bucks to let your girl know what she already knows:  that you love her.   Second, this little celebration doesn’t have to cost you a lot of money.  If your woman has any depth (read: not a shallow gold-digger), you can put forth a small amount of effort and reap big rewards. 

Here’s my suggestion:  DO buy a gift.  It can be something small, like a candle, or stuffed animal, or inexpensive jewelry.  You might even skip the gift, and buy the $15 flowers at WalMart, if you follow my next suggestion.

Dinner:  you can take her to dinner, but that may mean handing over big bucks, and that’s if you’ve remembered to make a reservation.  Instead, why not “cook” for her?  I know, you can’t cook, but I bet you have a microwave oven and a supermarket nearby.  Here’s the plan:  create an easy, almost no-cook meal, and serve it to her.   Most supermarkets make it almost painless to look like you’ve spent hours in the kitchen.   Purchase the following things:

  • bag of salad
  • small bag of sliced almonds for the salad
  • make sure you have salad dressing, something light
  • frozen vegetables in a steamer bag
  • rice or mashed potatoes in a microwave container
  • rotisserie chicken from the deli or Boston Market
  • 2 slices of cheesecake from the bakery

That’s the basic meal.  If you’ve got some skills you can add more to the salad, dress up the veggies, and add a sauce to the cheesecake.  Don’t forget some wine or champagne.

Now, get the table ready.  Think about where you will serve the meal.  The dining room is nice, but why not try another room?  How about setting up a small table, with a tablecloth, in the living room?  Even better, set the table in the bedroom.  Use your best dishes, add some candles, and be sure to have some music playing.  Make sure the music is conducive to getting her in the mood.   The best part of having dinner in the bedroom is that you’ve already got her close to the bed!  How can she refuse after all this “effort” you’ve made? 

Straight men:  I have faith in you!  You can do it!  And she will reward you with a night of passion, I guarantee it!

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Finally, the Honeymoon!

November 26, 2008

Way too long ago, I promised that I would report on the events that took place after the Big Gay Wedding.  After much procrastination, here it is!

Monday morning, following our Saturday evening nuptials, Scott and I headed out to the airport, boarded our plane for Boston.  We took a water taxi to the dock where we would find our ferry.  In spite of some rain in Boston and gloomy skies while we were on the boat, we eventually arrived safely in Provincetown MA. 

on the bay

on the bay

 

Skies cleared as we pulled into PTown.  We found our bed & Breakfast, the Black Pearl, and checked in with no problems.  Soon we found ourselves walking Commercial Street, enjoying the sights and sounds of what is quickly becoming a home away from home for us.  Of course, we grabbed some seafood for dinner, and we planned our evenings, deciding which shows we might want to see. 

Most days, we spent our time at the beach.  We would pack our bags, grab the bus to Herring Cove, and make the trek through the moors to get to our destination.  This particular part of the beach is unofficially “clothing optional”  so we managed to tan some parts of our bodies that don’t see much sunlight! 

Scott took this from atop the dunes

Scott took this from atop the dunes

 

One day, we were concerned about the weather forecast.  The local stations were predicting rain.  For most of the morning, it looked like it the skies might open up and drench us.  We hesitated to make the trip to the beach, but hated to miss a day of fun in the sun.  We opted to rent bikes and ride through the Cape Cod National Seashore, a National Park.  This was one of the best things we did while on our honeymoon.  The dunes are incredible, the bike trail is enjoyable, and at times, a bit challenging. 

The Dunes

The Dunes

 

Scott entering the tunnel

Scott entering the tunnel

Steve coming out (again???) of the tunnel

Steve coming out (again???) of the tunnel

 

However, the very first thing we did when we arrived in Provincetown, was to visit the Town Hall, where we registered for our marriage license. 

PTown Town Hall

PTown Town Hall

 

Massachusetts requires a 3 day waiting period for marriage licenses.  We wanted to be sure to get ours, and allow an extra day for any glitches that might arise.  Monday afternoon we applied with no problems, and returned on Thursday morning to retrieve our official, legal, marriage license. 

We like to think of our legal wedding ceremony as the yin to the yang of our sacred celebration.  It was everything that the sacred ritual was not.  Our ceremony was performed by the Justice of the Peace, outside on the lawn of the Bed & Breakfast.  Our witnesses were the innkeepers, and the guests of the inn, a group of women on vacation together.  We asked the JP to use our vows from our wedding back home, and she added some additional, beautiful words about equality, and her personal joy of presiding at the weddings of gay and lesbian couples.  Champagne was poured, the license signed by the JP, and now, Scott and I are joined in both sacred and legal matrimony.

Steve and Scott with the JP

Steve and Scott with the JP

Repeating the Vows

Repeating the Vows

A Kiss Seals the Deal

A Kiss Seals the Deal

 

We are legally, sacredly, and happily married!  Each ceremony holds a special joy for us, the formality of one, the casual atmosphere of the other; the friends and family witnessing our love at home, and total strangers sharing the joy of our love at the b&b.  The elaborate meal and dancing to celebrate the sacred ritual, the sharing of wine with temporary friends who toasted our life together, followed by an intimate meal at a nearby restaurant, all of these weave themselves together to create a seamless memory of the week in which we got married, twice.  God grant you the same joy that we have found.

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Where is the Disconnect?

October 25, 2008
 
Supporters of California’s Proposition 8, which would create a ban on same sex marriages in the state by amending the state constitution,  seem to have some trouble getting their facts straight, no pun intended. I’ve noticed many new blogs appearing on www.wordpress.com with the sole issue being the support of Prop 8.  I visited one such blog recently and made a comment.  I was surprised and impressed that the blogger made an effort to contact me by email and engage in conversation. Within a few email exchanges, however, this particular blogger retreated to anti-gay tirades while ignoring the substantive discussion that had begun.  Allow me to make a few quotes from Trey’s email and make a few comments.
 
I don’t think its right for you to have benefits as a domestic partnership but be subject to greater hassle and scrutiny than a married couple. In CA, domestic partnerships have all the same legal rights as heterosexual marriages do, under the family code. That is why I am taking a stand. When the argument is truly about civil rights, I am not in favor of denying rights; however, I am adamantly against redefining marriage as an institution, which is what the CA supreme court did.  
 
So here’s something that the Federal Supreme Court declared back in 1954:  Separate is not Equal.  Trey the blogger feels that because domestic partnership registries are available to same-sex couples, civil marriage should be denied to gay and lesbian people.  California’s Supreme Court decided that the state’s constitution did not define marriage as 1 man and 1 woman, and ruled that civil marriage can indeed be 2 women, or 2 men, as well as a woman and a man.  The Supreme Court did it’s job; it ruled on the basis of the existing state constitution.  It did not, as Trey claims, redefine marriage.  Nor are these activist judges as many Prop 8 supporters would have the public believe.  Three of the four judges who ruled in favor of same-sex marriage were appointed to the court by conservative Republican governors. 
 
I have an unshakeable [sic] belief that a two-parent, heterosexual nuclear family is the ideal situation for a child to grow up in. I think that single parent families are unfortunate too, and believe they are the result of immature sexual acts, very poor judgement, or, in many cases, the selfishness of one individual wanting out of a marital relationship to fulfill needs, sometimes carnal, sometimes emotional, etc.
Well, Trey, by all means, make sure that you maintain your two-parent, heterosexual nuclear family, and be prolific.  Encourage other heterosexuals to do the same.  But why view single parent families as merely “unfortunate”?  Why not work to make their existance illegal in the same way you wish to make gay and lesbian marriages illegal?  Given all this rhetoric about the importance of family and children, especially when considering same-sex marriages, it would make sense that Prop 8 supporters would also be working to make divorce illegal and doing all they can to prevent the creation of bastard children.  I don’t recall any legislators introducing that kind of legislation recently.
  
The biological procreation of society is only conducted through heterosexual relationships, for if a lesbian is inseminated by sperm from a gay man, there is not intimate love creating that life.  
 
Trey, my dear man, just what are you trying to say here?  Children produced out of acts of lust are not the same as children born to loving heterosexuals?  Or perhaps you are saying that assisted reproduction is a morally wrong.  Maybe you’re saying that gay sperm is less conducive to producing a viable life, or that the lesbian womb is hostile to the embryo.  The implication you’re making is that gay and lesbian couples are incapable of loving the children with which they are blessed.  Thousands of gay parents would disagree with you. 
 
If the gay community was not so adamant about pushing its lifestyle onto mainstream America, “forcing” acceptance through the courts, but was instead satisfied with equal protection in the workplace, equal rights in the courtroom during probate hearings, etc, there would be more harmony between the gay community and the rest of society.
 
Well, here’s the deal, Trey:  as a gay man, I am faced with countless expressions of the heterosexual lifestyle on a daily basis.  Billboards, magazine ads, pop ups and banners on the internet, signs on buses, radio and television advertisements, movies, tv shows, news reports, love songs on the radio, spam in my email inbox, all showing me some degree of heterosexuality, often blatant and even vulgar.  Your disgusting lifestyle is in my face 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.  When I ask to have the same benefits of marriage as a straight couple, do not presume to tell me that I am forcing my lifestyle on anyone.  If you don’t like gay marriage, then don’t marry a gay guy!
 
But changing the definition of marriage, and then teaching homosexuality to young children upsets and shocks the conscience of many.
 
I’ve got news for you, Trey.  The definition of marriage has changed many times in the course of history.  Please don’t trot out the Biblical definition of marriage, or that God ordained marriage as 1 man and 1 woman.  It just isn’t so.  God ordained, and approved of the marriage of 1 man and 700 wives, and gave that man (Solomon) an additional 300 mistresses.  Marriage has quite often been 1 man and 2 wives.  Marriage has been arranged by the parents with the prospective bride and groom having no say whatsoever in the choice of their spouse.  In the past 100 years, we’ve come to believe that couples seek a mate in a process known as dating.  That couple marries, presumably, based on their love for each other and mutual compatibility.  In the course of history, this is a relatively new concept. 
Teaching children that gay and lesbian couples exist is socially responsible education.  And guess what?  Many children are already aware of this fact because of the kid in their classroom who has 2 mommies, or 2 daddies. 
 
Trey, when you’re willing to support a law that bans all marriages but those that can create the nuclear family consisting of a Mother, Father, and their biological offspring, I will take you seriously about your support for Prop 8.  Remember to include in your ban, heterosexual couples who are sterile, as well as couples who are past the age of childbearing years.  Sr. Citizens must be compelled to forego marriage and take advantage of that separate (but equal in your eyes) domestic partnership.  Younger couples who fail to produce children within a reasonable amount of time, should have their marriage licenses revoked. 
 
There is a real culture war going on, and I can’t sit back and pretend my family is not harmed by calling what my wife and I have the same thing that two men have.
 
And here is the real problem, isn’t it?  These good folks who claim to be so concerned about the family, about God, about country, just can’t stand to think that someone so different from them, someone whom they believe their God condemns, might actually be happy together.  Maybe even happier.  Draw the line, build the fence, create a group that is other.  And Trey, while you’re at it, why not round us up, load us on the train, and send us to a detention camp? 
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Part 3: The Toast

September 16, 2008

WE are proud of our daughter/stepdaughter.  We asked Stormie to perform the duties of toastmaster at our wedding because she knows us better than anyone else does, and she is the eldest child.  Age does bring privilege as well as responsibility; our request of her demonstrates both. 

Noted:  Stormie took her own sweet time setting up for the toast.  She walked across the dance floor to get the music stand to hold her notes.  She fumbled with her glasses.  She looked around the room and took a deep breath.  This is what we heard:

 

Are you ready?
 
First of all, I want to say what a huge honor this is. Daddy sent me a text Wednesday morning to check my e-mail for a “special request.” I was working at the library, thinking it was a link to a gift or something like that. When I checked, it was actually a link to “How to Write a Great Wedding Toast.” I cried immediately, partially overwhelmed and partially thrilled. So… I hope I was the best choice.
 
SCOTT, right before I first met you, I was so excited. I think Daddy could tell, and he said, “He’s not used to teenage girls, and he may be shy.” You were, but I was ready to get to know you. I knew I liked you as soon as you thought I was funny. It didn’t take long for us to bond over our orneriness and ability to irritate Daddy. Now, we take turns teasing each other, telling dirty jokes, and talking about how much trouble you’ll be in once I’m not around. Scott, I’m happy to say welcome to the family. It’s been easy to let you in our life, and it only gets better with the Clarks. I love you, and I hope my hugs will always make you feel better.
 
DADDY, when anyone asks about you and me, I use my favorite response: “I am my Father’s daughter.” So, to see you happy makes me happy. We had a conversation last Spring about leaving your comfort zone and giving out what you want in return. You’re proof that it works. I’d like to think you know exactly how I feel about you two, but just in case you don’t, there’s never been a question in my mind that you’re made for each other. Thank you for everything you’ve done for us. You’ve made my life more interesting by being a part of yours. I love you.
 
Daddy 1 and Daddy 2, congratulations, and I wish you nothing but the best. I love you both.
 
Life is a journey, not a destination. Here’s to making the journey together.
 
SLAINTÉ

Stormie giving the toast

Stormie giving the toast

 

As mentioned elsewhere in this blog, there were very few that could listen to that, knowing even part of our story, and not shed a tear.  I heard reports of full-blown crying.  I know I had tears just gushing from my eyes. 

Everything she said is true.  Stormie was nervous about meeting Scott, they hit it off well, and now, they are partners in teasing me, almost relentlessly.  Stormie and I both have had our share of problems, none that we’d be in a hurry to repeat.  We’ve both done our homework and find ourselves in a healthy place, each of us cheering the other on.  She is her father’s daughter, and sometimes it hurts to see ourselves in the other, though most of the time, it’s great to see a loving reflection.  Stormie gets that Scott and I are not only good for each other, but that there’s a deep connection that might not show on the surface.  Anam Cara: I am his, and he is mine. 

There’s no question that our children’s lives became more interesting when we came out to them.  Surprisingly, they’ve suffered very few incidents of bullying or taunting because of us.  I’m sure this is an indication that the younger generation is less concerned about who’s gay and who’s straight.  They have met people, gone places, and seen things that they might never have encountered had Scott and I remained closeted.  Their lives are richer because of it.  I can hear it in their conversations, and I can see it in the smiles on their faces.  Our confidence in ourselves overflows to the kids.  Daddy 1 and Daddy 2 (thank you, Sawyer, for the new names) are on a journey together that includes getting our children moving on their own journeys.  It’s exciting to see where we all might go next.

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Perfect Wedding Part 2

September 13, 2008

I left you hanging at the end of the ceremony, as if that was all there was to the wedding.  There is much more.  It just seemed like too much to put into one post.  I’ll warn you now.  It’s very likely that there will be two more posts about the wedding.  So, it’s time to party!

The celebration continued with hors d’oeuvres and cocktails.  We greeted our guests, got our drinks and posed for some pictures.  Before long, it was time for the meal, which started with a blessing from our minister, followed by the most incredible toast offered by my daughter, Stormie.  I know I blew her mind when I asked her to give the toast, but I explained that she is the one who knows our relationship better than anyone else, and as the eldest child of the seven in the blended family, it simply made sense that she receive that honor. 

Stormie’s toast is worthy of a separate blog entry.  What stands out for me is the way in which she affirmed the welcome of Scott into our family, then spoke of the lessons of love she has learned from us.  For instance, I believe that one can not receive emotionally what one is not willing to give:  you want love?  you’ve got to give it.  A particularly moving part of her toast was when she identified with me saying “I am my father’s daughter.”  How well I know this.  It has given us an incredible emotional intimacy, while also creating some tension as we confront in each other, the things we don’t like about ourselves.  If you think this would make for a teary-eyed moment at the wedding, you’re right.  I couldn’t see most of the people around me, but word has it that there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. 

Fabulous dinner was served, and Scott and I made the rounds to each table to chat with our guests.  We were honored to hear such glowing compliments about our ceremony, our selection of music, our table settings, and even the choice of the venue.  The wedding cake was so elegant with blue-green ombre ribbon around each square layer and the hydrangea to separate them.  Our pictures topped the cake.  It looks like Scott smeared the cake as we fed each other, and yeah, he did a little, but not enough that I would be wearing cake all evening.

I was feeling a bit self-conscious about the first dance as a married couple.  I had so wanted to get dance lessons, but time and money prevented us from getting into a dance class.  We took to the floor and danced to “Someone Like You” from Jekyll and Hyde.  The lights were dimmed and once again Scott and I were in our own world, chatting, laughing, and moving effortlessly around the floor.  I don’t remember fighting each other to lead, or for which direction to go next.  I don’t even remember what I said that had Scott laughing, but it produced one of my favorite pictures of the evening. 

When our dance was done, we invited our guests to join us on the dance floor.  We chose “At Last” by Etta James.  It certainly sums up our feelings about find each other.

At last, my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Oh, yeah, at last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clovers
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to rest my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile
Oh, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine
At last

Then it was time to party!  Shirley Bassey does a great cover of “Get the Party Started” and as the first mysterious strains began it evoked a masculine James Bond image.  The grooms, in their tuxes, coaxed the rest of the guests to the dance floor.  When the beat kicked in, the party took off and never stopped until it was time to pack up and go home.

Now, what do 2 grooms do about the traditions associated with a wedding?  We change them!  We make them our own.  No one carried a bouquet and no one wore a garter.  We had nothing to toss.  That didn’t stop us though.  We bought 2 pair of boxers, rolled them tight and tied them with a ribbon.  We then had the DJ invite all the women to the dance floor, not just the single women, but all the women.  The single women are usually embarassed to go out for the bouquet, and the married women resent not being eligible.  We took care of that by not discriminating.  Scott tossed the first pair of boxers.  We did the same for all the men, and I tossed the second pair to them.  We rewarded the winners with a bottle of homemade wine and a cd of music that included songs played at the wedding as well as some of our favorite club remixes. 

 

We danced the night away with our friends and family.  We filled that room with love.  And now, weeks later, we still hear how much fun our guests had, and Scott and I feel the effects of having those closest to us affirm our marriage with their presence.

note:  there’s more to come:  a unique twist to the honeymoon!

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The Perfect Wedding

September 3, 2008

The ceremony finished with one of our ministers introducing us as a couple…partners for life.  That one phrase marked the beginning of our life together as husband, and well, husband.  Three weeks later, we find that we are still learning to say “husband” instead of boyfriend, or partner.  We even use our new term for our relationship and giggle, just like most newlyweds. 

Our wedding day started with a list of jobs to be accomplished.  Our music room was stacked with boxes full of decorations that would grace the tables, the favors, the candles, and the placecards.  We would be hauling all of this and my digital piano, the music stand and more to the restaurant.  We kept breakfast light, and went about the business of the day.  I cut the flowers from our gardens and arranged them in the vases purchased just for our wedding.  By 10:00am, we were loading the van and heading to the venue. 

At the restaurant, the tables were set and ready for us to place the centerpieces.  There were many helpers, so the job went quickly.  Everything was completed, including the set up of the sound system, the communion table, the guest book and place-cards within 90 minutes.  We couldn’t believe that it had gone so smoothly and so quickly.  There was nothing left for us to do but return home for a light lunch, then prepare for the ceremony that began at 6:00pm. 

This is where our day begins to blossom.  I make a light lunch for Scott, our guest Daniel, and myself.  We chat a little, then decide to relax outside in the warm sun.  We find that we have time to soak up the sun’s rays, and even nap a little.  The time just seems to slow down for us.  All of the jobs are accomplished and it’s still not time to prepare ourselves for the wedding.  I thought the wedding day was to be a mad rush, a whirlwind of activity, and here we are napping and sunbathing! 

Eventually, as in 2:30pm, our children start arriving.  We’ve chosen to dress 5 of the 7 kids at our house, keeping their new wedding clothes with us until this day, for reasons that other divorced folks might understand.  The older 2 kids are able to take care of themselves for this task.  It seems that by 3:30, we’ve got 5 boys, 10-18, showered and dressed.  Let’s take some photographs.  We’ve got more than enough cameras, digital, disposable, and even an old Nikon SLR.  We take pictures in the music room in front of the fireplace and in every conceivable combination of dads with kids, dads with stepkids, and of course, the grooms.  There’s still plenty of time remaining, so we head out the front door for a family portrait that includes both grooms, all seven of their children, and a girlfriend of a son. We head out back to use the backdrop of sunflowers and cellphone cameras are used to share these early wedding pictures. 

The New, Blended, & Gay Family

The New, Blended, & Gay Family

And we still have time to sit down and have a glass of wine at the dining room table. 

By 5:00pm, we start thinking about heading to the wedding.  This is about the point where time decides to speed up.  We arrive before 5:30 to discover that many of our guests are either anxious, or unable to read.  The 15-20 minutes we thought we had to organize, and perhaps take a few more pictures was lost to attending to those last minute details and playing hosts to our guests.  Before we realized it, it was time to begin the prelude music and start the festivities. 

I could write an entire article on the music for our ceremony.  The musicians were incredible.  I asked Jim, our pianist to play something to get the music started, then Daniel took the floor to sing “Red is the Rose”.  I moved to the piano to accompany Stormie on her French Horn for the Beethoven Adagio Cantabile that I had transcribed a few weeks earlier.  Daniel sang again with a show tune, “Will You” and Sterling followed with “Dream a Little Dream of Me” singing and playing his guitar.  Finally, Daniel finished up with “Not a Day Goes By” which was perfect for describing how we feel about each other:

….As the days go by, I keep thinking when does it end,

that it can’t get much better much longer,

but it only gets better and stronger

and deeper and nearer and simpler and freer

and richer and clearer, and no,

not a day goes by…….

the vows

the vows

At that point, Pastors Tracy& Janet, Scott and I moved to our places near the communion table and we began our ceremony.  We kept things simple, a brief invocation, two scriptures, our vows, the exchange of rings.  There were some unique features to our rites, like the Loving Cup, and a Druidic vow of unity.  We asked that communion be one of the first things we do as a couple, and in a very moving part of our service, Scott and I served our guests communion.  It was all I could do to keep from crying. 

Loving Cup

Loving Cup

More than the parts of the service, was the way in which Scott and I seemed to be in a world all our own.  After the invocation, we joined hands and locked in on each other with a gaze that none could distract.  In the weeks leading to the wedding, I could barely watch our video, or read through our vows without breaking into tears.  At the rehearsal, I could hardly say the words without my voice breaking with emotion.  Yet something mystical, perhaps magical, and very assuring took over.  I was able to speak out my vows loud and clear, and give that strength to Scott as his voice wavered with the emotion brought on by the love we felt at that moment.  We held each others’ hands and slipped the rings on each finger.  We picked up our Loving Cup and spoke the ancient words that would bind us as each other’s anam cara.  We briefly allowed our friends and family to enter our world as we served communion.  Then we turned to each other once more to make one more vow of unity in the Druidic tradition.

 

Mark, O Spirit, and hear us now

Mark, O Spirit, and hear us now

 

We swear by peace and love to stand

Heart to heart and hand in hand

Mark, O Spirit, and hear us now,

Confirming this our sacred vow.

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In the Meantime….

August 24, 2008

OK, I’ve been home a week and haven’t gotten a word written about the honeymoon or even the wedding.  I think that the biggest reason is that I have so much to say about it, I need to break it down into small pieces, organize, then write about it. 

So, in the meantime, here’s a picture:

 

and here’s a link to my pastor’s musings on the wedding:  No Difference. Really.